A First Post

I don't know exactly what this blog will become. It kind of has a vague shape in my mind, almost like something right on the tip of your tongue - it's there but you can't vocalize it. Basically the idea is, I have in the past enjoyed writing. Other people have enjoyed my writing in my last blog (Bug in the Brain) and have suggested that I should continue writing. Things have been tough from time to time in the last few years, and writing could be a decent way to cope, to document day-to-day successes, and to collect little thoughts and ideas that can also help on later days of tough times.
That's the idea as it stands right now.

Here's the background: Basically, as those that read Bug in the Brain know, I had a brain tumor a little over three years ago. It was non-cancerous, but of a decently large size and required an extensive surgical removal which left me with a number of deficits. I'm totally deaf in my left ear, the left side of my face is half-paralyzed, I'm frequently quite tired, and I suffer from a near-constant headache that frequently enters the level of migraine. Due to the paralysis, I've had a few procedures done to my left eye to ensure it closes well enough, and have to keep it artificially moisturized with eye drops and lubricants. The left side of my body remains weaker than the right, and my balance is frequently challenged. Though it only took me a few weeks to be able to walk on my own again, and a few months of physical therapy to balance well enough to be cleared for work, I can still feel the effects on an almost-daily basis.

Aside from the physical, there have been cognitive and emotional hurdles to surgery as well. My attention, memory, and thought-processing skills were affected by surgery and required some time and therapy to improve. I still don't think they are completely up to my pre-surgery level, but are good enough I guess. The emotional bit is tough. I've always been more prone to the depressed side of being, and major illnesses and chronic pain don't help. I had a month or two of therapy before going back to work. I've never been crazy about my job, and struggled with the thought of having faced a thought so serious only to come out the other end and return to the same old job I hated before. While I've been back at work successfully for two and a half years (I was out for roughly six months out for surgery recovery), I've still harbored these thoughts and have continued to struggle with the depression that chronic pain and illness can bring, in addition to my normal penchant toward sadness.

For the headache/migraine issues I had turned to regular medicine for help. Neurology prescribed medications, which eventually began to cause their own problems. I ended up getting sicker and sicker, and was eventually diagnosed with a neurologic condition called postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS). The postoperative headaches and migraines were never really better even with the medication, but rather than decrease the amount of medications, more were added and I found myself in a constant cycle of medical tests and doctors visits. After a negative experience with one of the specialists for POTS, I decided to abandon all my medications and see if I would be any better or worse off "going it alone". After a short detox period, I found many of my POTS symptoms disappeared. While I still have daily headaches and nausea, and am frequently fatigued, these were the symptoms I had post-surgery anyway. The racing heart rate, feelings of extreme fatigue, chest pain, temperature intolerance, inability to remain upright for any period of time, and reduced exercise tolerance, more connected to the possibility of POTS, were almost instantly better without the medications I was on. I don't doubt that I may have some sort of dysautonomia, but I do think it was the medication causing most of my more concerning symptoms.

Illness isn't exactly what this blog will be about, that's just the background that may be needed here and there to give perspective.

I'm determined now to deal with things more naturally. I don't mean herbs and acupuncture and the like, per se. I'm determined to just be okay. I said myself, right before surgery, "It just is, and it's great." I'd like to deepen my own understanding of the things I inherently believe in (spirituality or religion, if you'd like to call it one of these things). And that's what this will more-or-less be about.